I havent written for 2 weeks which is bad cos i'm supposed to write once a week. Lets see what I can remember from a few weeks back.....
I had a really bad session actually 2 weeks ago. I turned up really wanting to feel safe and share my painful week because everything about D got dragged back into my present and I was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that i wasnt gonna be ok all the time...and that the intial pain of losing D was just hovering above the surface and could return at any given moment. It was hard and I had a hard time coping, so when i went to the course I kinda wanted to share that things hadnt been so good. But i think i was pushing myself too hard in all reality...because i dont feel safe sharing with all these people and i felt incredibly fragile all night and very lonesome. No one really talked to me and I felt very isolated and didnt want to be there. Emma also called me incongruent....and the laughter i use when nervous was questioned once again and i was told that i was being incongruent. I took this very badly.
After reflecting on it for a couple of days though I do believe that I was being as honest as I could...and smiling is something I have not so much control over! But I also wrote something that kinda summed it up for me at that time....
My Prettier Option
i am discovering things about
my brown/blonde braids
and green/brown eyes
that is dislodging my existance
because i have found myself
speaking calmly
and smiling sweetly
when inside my skin
(hiding inside my ribcage)
blood is flowing faster than it ought
i have always been someone
who paints herself in bright colours
and draws kinks inside her hair
this is how i thought
I ought to appear
(in pink ribbons
and candy covered lips)
but i admit to crying daily
over tiny realities of unimportance
and i admit to walking daily
into conversations of slight discomfort
(but only with a huge egyptian smile)
believing strong girls
come out on top
but in truth
i am hiding
without the conciousness
of hiding
because when i'm sad
im biting my lip
and giggling like a child
shifting uncomfortably
and unable to make eye contact
so maybe things arent always better in the morning
maybe my glass is really half empty
(and half full of salted tears
-instead of wine)
maybe i don't mean to laugh
-instead of crying-
and maybe i am weaker
(than i'll have you believe)
-i'd like to tell you this-
but there arent words to describe
pain that cant heal
because some pains
drill themselves too forcefully into your lungs
(and stop you breathing)
but you can call it incongruence
if you wish
just know
that when you ask how i'm feeling all i can do
-is flick back my hair
bite my lip
and smile-
because there is no way to tell you
part of me has died
so i'd rather give you
the prettier option
Anyway...so when i turned up the next Wednesday I was feeling very detached, very unsafe and I really didnt wanna be there! However overall it was a good session and I spoke with Kim and realised that I wasnt the only one who felt the way I did about the rest of the group, and sometimes he also detached, especially after the conference, which is where my enjoyment of the course seems to have changed since. She also pointed out that maybe I had taken what Emma said to me I'm an incongruent person, which I think I did, and that wasnt really what she meant. This helped me re evaluate what had been said and it also seems to have since made me realise that some of my negative thought patterns are always gonna be lurking about somewhere.
I also seem to just be realising, especially from my isolated feel in the group, that these are similar feelins have had at school and with other friends....and maybe this is something to do with me and not them and the way I am viewing certain group type situations. I have no idea at this time exactly what it is that makes me feel so isolated from others, why i feel this way, and how it may be a distorted view...just that there is a possibilty this is a distorted view that has come from past experience.
I think this April Saturday sessions has been a real break through generally for me in terms of my lack of respect for person centred counselling. After I watched the video of CBT i realised what counselling would be like without the core conditions of empathy and genuineness and i didnt like what i saw at all. It made me realise how person centred i am really and naturally so....although it also helped me link the cognitive model of thinking to how i operate and it helped me relate to the course and myself so much better. Until now I never really saw how anything we learnt related to me really...whereas now i feel more open to integrating my two dominant approached - person centred and cognitive. The approached which i follow unconciously.
Finally, in regard to my constant smiling, i got some feedback from several people about how i am really relaxing to be around and that it is very much an important part of me that i am the way i am. So i left feeling like i gained much insight into myself as well as counselling skills. I also feel more confident as I gained positive feedback from Joy about my skills and I genunielly felt like i did well. So on that note I will leave it with my new poem....
some people might say i have a sunny disposition
because i can't utter sentences
without smiling uncontrollably
some people might say i'm intense
because when i cry
the skies open and clouds crash
and when i laugh
i could illuminate a thousand rooms
some people might say i'm child-like
because i am dependent on hugs to comfort me
and my face lights up
when you show me a new toy
although some people might just call me dependent
because i shake at the thought of being alone
and need too much reassurance
some people might call me a good listener
because it is my nature to understand
other people's suffering
but some people might call me stubborn
because i will become defensive
when you challange my views
but me -
i prefer to call me Debbie
because she is all these things
rolled up into a bundle
offset with endless braids
hazel eyes
and 22 years experience
of being herself
and some people might say
this makes them smile back
