Thoughts for those about to Self-Destruct
Saturday 20th March
aaaah so much. So many things floating about in my little head. I will try to remember Wednesday night first though. I came away feeling incredibly down...everyone talking about how "safe" they felt in the group and I just didn't feel that way at all. It made me wanna close up more. Skills practise was really really poor on my part and I don't think i did very well at all. Got good feedback and Emma pointed out how i could have focused more on pam's feelinsgs of anger and hurt. I wish i was good at this.
I really dunno how to gain self confidence...i would love to be confident but i just cant seem to get there. The PD group was pretty quiet and no one talked about much. I got upset when Kt called and i couldnt answer it...no one seemed to care though. Maybe i hid it well.
I feel very far behind on this so called journey that i dont think i have even begun walking on....which annoys me cos part of me would like to.....but i just dont know how. I don't seem to conect with these people. Like Becky texted emma when she was off the other week...no one cared that i wasnt there. That really hurt. Sarah txted me but only cos i texted her first...and she is the only one interested in me (except maybe amanda) It hurts and it makes me closed. I am learning nothing about myself.
Maybe its more than this though...maybe it stems from being a bad time in my life. Dad sent me a newspaper article about D and its really sent me back about a million days. I miss him so much. I cant bear this at all. Its like dealing with it all again. How can accept that this boy has really gone? my boy. my only boy. oh god i have no idea how u cope with this pain at all...even though i try to pretend i do.
i miss you d :(
Sunday 14th March Day
I felt much calmer today, even looking forward to arriving! Now the object exercise was well and truely over i was much better at relaxing. I realised at this point that this weekend must have had some effect on me...even if i wasnt really learning anything new like everyone else..I also thought once i arrived that everyone seemed to feel more bonded and like they had got to know everyone better....but a huge part of me realised that aprt from my poetry, no one had learnt much new about me. I felt very detached in that sense...but still like i was part of thre group....but maybe not a very valued member. However today helped me realise the reason why this might be.
The exercise of identifying with another character threw me and i found it veery difficult and challanging, and i still wish i could have thought up something clever and intelligent so that i could have benefited from it. The one thing that did have a huge impact was Emma. Her gift to me was self confidence, something i always was aware that i lacked...but this was kinda like a jigsaw piece falling into place that made everything make more sense. Why i never talk up, why no one really knows me, and why i don;t feel on a level with everyone else. My lack of self confidence has kept me from really showing much at all about me. This was my biggest learning experince of the weekend.
When talking to Kim later on about what she had learned from me was also significant. I always found myself quite distant from kim...however i realised how much i respected her honesty and inerr confidence to verbalise her feelings out loud. Although what she told me wasnt quite as inspiring, she did let me know that she though i was honest and it showed and that its just my lack of confidenc in th way, however that fact i had noticed that i am dismissive and laugh off things so that i dont have to deal with them and expressed this to a group of people took alot of courage and wasnt as negative as i thought. She also told me that there was nothing negative about being child-like and that my confidence will come in time. Also, and most importantly, that it is ok if the only way iexpress myself id through poetry...and everyone has their individual ways.
I left feeling much more positive and like yes..i have got something out of the weekend. Still probably have a lot of things that havent sunk in...and prbably didnt get as much out of it as others as no one at all really told me much about them..and i only got feedback about me on the final day. I think this is something that i should continue to be aware of through out the next few weeks.
Joy also told me i should publish my poetry....this made me beam inside because just maybe...i am good at something :)
Saturday 13th March Day 2
I awoke to a huge sense of dread and butterflies and i really didn't know why..altho there was a hint in my mind it was linked the the fact i knew today was gonna be tough and bring up all the things i'd most dreaded. As soon as i heard i had to bring a precious object...nothing had seemed more impossible.
I arrived and the nerves still disn't shift. I found every excercise a struggle because i knew what was coming but i tried to cope as best i could. Things were tough from the start when they told me to draw a life map. I didn;t find the drawing to tough cos i know how mine has gone in the short years ive lived and it didnt take me long really. I put damian on it cos i thought it mite be good to ease him into conversation gently. I was again dismissive (yet still honest i hope) when talking about my map with Amanda, although she was the same, which made it easier to stay closed. I feel much more could have been gained from this excerise had i not been nervous/been talking to someone else....but as it happened....this was what i was most comfortable with at the time.
Discribing my identity and words to describe myself has never been to hard for me although i must say i did find it hard to come up with words when having to face to face. Not too bad tho and some words i came up with were child - like, strong, defensive, confused, happy, dependent etc....When faced with these words everyone seemed to know it was me so i guess there isnt any dissonace there! I felt very isolated in the group when discussing this as everyone had such strong opinions on everyone ekse but no one seemed to think much about me at all. This lead to my feelings of discomfort that continued throughout the wkend. I don jot feel like recived any benficial feedback from this excerise which annoyed me cos i really would have appreciated some views.
Anyway, after lunch my nerves were through the roof and nothing had calmed them down. The object excerise came. It did encourage me how many people talked about the death of a loved one..but by this point i was so worked up i felt physically sick and never have i ever felt like that over having to speak about anything ever. In the end i just exploded into tears...mumbled some intelligable words...and threw my poem on the table. I am glad i did this because it was important for me to have these people understand that i am not a speaker...i am a writer and they will never know me really unless they see my writing and understand that that is my way of being me. Most of the group read it and i recieved reactions ranging from tears to polite nods. This was enough for me...and made me feel more comfortable...although i still felt quite dismissed in my grief as no one at all brought it up at any point afterwards...maybe because they felt it was in appropriate. I'm not sure. Throughtout the huge silence i longed to be anywhere in that room and even though everyone seemed to think it was a very joined moment....i felt incredibly removed. This again made me think that something inside me isn;t quite right but nothing really concrete enough to explain.
I soon snapped out of my sadness and behaved as if all was fun and normal....but realised once in jillys that i had a lot of frustrtation inside me which i released through dancing. I then wwent to bed worn out and mentally exhausted....
learjings from the day: My feelings are unpredicatable and i am very good at burying pian like andy is. I still did nit feel as safe as everyone else seemed to.
Ok gonna have to do this thing in 3 parts.....
Friday 12th march Day 1 of Conference
Proir to Friday I didn't have many thoughts as to what the conference was going to be like, but as the hour got closer I started to get fairly anxious as to what i was gonna have to do and say. On arrival it wasn;t too bad...i think id escibed my feelings as intrigue and I was also quite anxious but kept that to myself. Th initial exercise was quite straightforward as it was about Support Systems and this is something that I knew alot about from my own life. I was surprised at Phils (and therefore other people's) lack of areas of support but as for my own i discovered it was actually pretty complete and realised that i also rely heavily on myself for alot of support. The 1st learning experience that occured was probably from talkign to Phil and my discovery of my dismissiveness and laughing approach to any uncomfortable areas. My dependence on always explaing how i was actually happy and my doubts as to whether this was actually true. In some ways yes, i do belive i am very lucky and happy....but it was the 1st thing that started to strike a nerve somewhere inside me.
The exercise of truth/lie made me discover how transparent i must be as everyone instantly knew which was the lie. I am still unsure of how this made me feel. I think kinda happy that i can;t have hidden myself too much from these people.
I think the first and only really thing i found challanging of Friday was having to draw my feelings on a piece of paper. My intial reaction was just to draw me being tired...but i ended up adding parts such as my willingness to open up abit more, the anxiety this was actually going to cause, and also the calmness that i was wanting to use probably as a tool to brush over my vulnerabilty. But i'm not quite sure.
I can;t really think of anything that was particularly difficult as such abou the day but on the bus ride home i did feel like someone was scracthing at my insides and it was pretty uncomfortable....i dunno what it was but maybe it made me realise there might be some issues in my unconcious that i ahve no clue about because i like to live in a happy positive world that i am ok in.
tough stuff tihis self awareness business.....
