Breathing Out Stars
there is a girl who is dipping coins
into an empty well
because she has run out of wishes
and the night is too cloudy for stars
she says that sometimes
she would like to untangle her emotions
and place them on her dresser
so she could wear yellow when she saw sunshine
and purple when her head was feeling a little crazy
because you know I gave you my heart
(and you didn’t blink an eye)
and I’m sure in another 30 days
she will thank you for this
while she stumbles home
and you know
when her eyes are blurring
it's safer to live with her toes buried in the sand
(coated in vodka-drenched kisses
that taste bittersweet)
instead of wishing that somewhere on the horizon
she could tattoo some more life
onto the small of her back
(and breathe out a few more lucky stars)
so that tomorrow she might feel
s o m e t h i n g
I’ve Cracked Your Bitter Heart Like Candy
when the leaves brush past the window
with days worth of blowing making them tired
there's 22 years of child
wishing she could blow away with them
and it's making her queasy
that she has spent over 730 days
(of wind blowing madness)
in your company
-and only now-
when she is lifting her halo
and shredding her wings
do you notice that she is shining
with too much intensity
-to be perfect-
yet holds enough courage
to fly away
with broken wings
but baby
i think she's cracked
your bitter heart like candy
and maybe if we walk a while
-hand in hand-
while the sun shines down on my Egyptian skin
you might be able to rediscover
-why I’m beautiful-
but baby
I’ve spent too many hours laying on your rising chest
praying you would wrap me up in what I need
(with my eyes closed too tightly)
and this girl is hoping
(before this doubt soaks out her sanity)
that she can allow herself to open them
(because she's scared of the pretty colours
that hide under her eyelids)
and she is in great need
-of black and white-
I figure i write easier online...and seeing as i'm supposed to have some sorta journal for my course this might have to do.
So..what have i learnt after 11 sessions of my course? Ok..well i have found that i really do know my own mind and that i'm more stable than i realised...but i dont think thats the point of the course right? Well ok...2 weeks ago i made a breakthough chatting to phil...i admited out loud that maybe im not as congruent as I could be and that how i see myself is very different to how others see me and one major chnage i guess has been is that i have tried to make the good parts of the person on the inside come out more, and i have also tired to show myself that the things i think are bad on the outside is just false perception. thats good right? I guess now i also find it easier to open up slightly...although only about things that i already know the abnswer too. However, i dunoo if there is much about me that i don;t know some sorta answer too. Maybe I have started thinking about myself more. yes i am sure I have. Maybe my problem is im expecting to unravel all this negative stuff and because the changes in me are positive i can't see them as being linked to the course. I am more open to have discussions about my beliefs and values...and certainly more aware of them...than I was befire this course started and this is something I have always wanted very much. I use Tristan as my sounding board...which has definately been of some significance..but i guess i am starting to feel like I;m growing as a person. The thing is I have no idea how this has come from the course. I never really speak out that much...never open myself up for analysis...in the PD group i even find myself tuning out alot because the content bores me or seems irrelevant. In the first few weeks i did notice some things about me in that situation...for example how i do have many ideas but find it hard to express them..maybe on a deeper level how i have alot of deep belives about myself and my life and who i am that i feel is just too siilly to speak up about. I often sat there witha d esire to bring in my writing and show people this side of me which in all essence I am incredibly proud of. But the stage to do that just hasnt seemed appropriate and I don't know if i ever would.
i think i am still consumed by bringing up damian...but i don;t want to. I know why that is..because i will be very dismissive of my feelings of it. I know that this is the one place i don;t have to be but heh-another discovery-i am very dismissive of feelings that hurt me and i laugh them off as nothing. But then..i know that i am capable of dealing with things alone and I am content in the thought that i will get through this alone also.
I will admit to feeling uch anxiety about this conference....esp. the precious object thing. Of course...due to the recentness of his death my necklace is all i can think of. But do i rerally want to admit that and speak with these people who all have had very different, less priveledged lives to me, about this? I feel so young in the group and incredibly lacking in enough life experience to analyse much. I think what i mite need to do is work with what i can...but i can;t hhelp feeling this course would be more beneficial to me 10 years down the line :/
anyway....think that is all i can think of at this time. Definately easier to reflect using a keyboard.
