ooohhhh.....i figured out how to do pretty colours :)
There's something about an empty house that drives me fucking crazy. I guess i'm not one meant to be alone. But then who is? sometimes i really wish i could appreciate my own company. I always seem to wanna be around people though. Maybe its just part of my many insecurites. who knows?
Anyway. I thought i'd add another entry as Im waiting for andy to come over so I can bug him to start looking at houses. God its so strange. We've only been back together 5 months and we are gonna live together. Somebody is heading for such a disaster i think!!! I dunno...living with him might be cool. I mean it will be. But it's a huge step and the scarest thing of my life. Arghhh. I dont wanna think about it. Should be studying but for some reason the internet seems a little more fun.
I've also realised why they put Big Brother on tv at exam time. God damn that programme is so addictive. Can't stop watching it and i dont even particualrly like any of the people in it! People think im crazy cos i would love to go and do summat like that. Its more of the extrovert part of me i guess. Everyone says i must be crazy wanting to be filmed 24-7. I dunno why im so appealed by the idea. It would probably be fucking awful! I guess we all wanna be famous......and 70 grand doesnt sound too bad either if you win!!! I should really stop living in fanatasies though. It always gets me into trouble! : /
anyway...maybe i will write more later when im in a slightly better mood.
debs xxx
Not sure I've quite got the hang of this blog thing yet. Just managed to wipe my whole post. Which was very clever and i guess very typical of me. Guess i saved whoever can be bothered to read this from one days pointless ramblings. heh.
Anyway....so how do i introduce myself? Im 21 years old. I'm a month away from graduating university. I have a boyfriend. I have friends. I even have a job to go to when i finish. But I'm never satisfied. I just can't get to grips with the fact that my life isnt the fairy tale i dreamed it would be. Pretty sad really....I guess one day I'll open my eyes. But right now i dont think i want to. I'm in love with a boy who still loves someone else and i have no doubt will leave me once my constant moods get too much to handle. Its not like i dont know that im spoilt and selfish and always want things my way. I just don't know how else to be. In the same way andy (my boyfriend, for those who don't know) doesn't know how to be anything but the life-avoiding, problem hiding scared boy that he is. Its scary how similar we are really. i dunno...maybe thats why we keep holding on to what is obviously the strangest relationship in history. We are both in love with the dream. With the fairy tale ending. We both wanna be the one in the movies who gets the guy (...or girl). I dont blame him for never letting go of his ex. I wouldnt wanna let go of the fairy tale as much as he doesnt (which is why im holding on so goddamn tightly to him). They were gonna get married. Its funny how the girl never runs away forever in the movies though......she always comes back. I guess he is just still waiting.....
I dunno. No one wants to know this shit. Im rambling.
My life is not a bad one. And my thoughts arent really worth reading. I guess i just want somewhere to put down all those crazy feeling i get that you just cant quite say to peoples faces. A place to write my thoughts without fear of laughter and critisim from others. A place for my pathetic poetry that i write constantly that has never and will never ever help me to understand how i am in the situation im in right now.
why im so close to having everything i ever wanted and my heart is screaming to me that life is never that simple
why whenever im this close to happiness it all self destructs....
I dunno. Its all bullshit anyway.
Designed to self destruct
I think it might be time
to break the news
this world
that we have been trying to live
in
so
many
d r a w n o u t
unimaginable
w
a
y
s
is one short ballerina step away
from crumbling
in an impossible-to-bare
cant-hold-on-any-longer
kinda fashion
I don't understand
why tears have to fall
with such
useless
abandon
(if I knew I’d stop them
-I swear)
I just put it down to
being designed
to self destruct
when approaching
ultimate happiness
don’t know why
I looked at your things
and found out secrets
I was never supposed to
comprehend
but I did
I’ve always been a believer
in the beautiful
most amazingly
incomprehensible
f o r c e
that brought us back together
just as I now believe
in the destructible,
unthinkable
rip-it-all-apart
d i s e a s e
that tore us apart
so maybe when I’m lying in your arms
and you tell me
that you never wanna
let go
of my seductive curves
and sparkling brown eyes
(as you sing the words to
'brown eyed girl'
that always makes me cringe
as every boy
has chosen the same song
to sing to me
-although I’ve never told you
before)
I may just believe you this time
and that scares me
because as much as I believe in our fate
and the love that we should be producing
I just don’t think its there
like it was in my fairytale dream
(that dictates to me what my life
should look like
feel like
smell like)
and I don’t know what to do
these days
now I’m chasing these waves
to still hold you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Debs xxx
