Thoughts for those about to Self-Destruct
I havent written for 2 weeks which is bad cos i'm supposed to write once a week. Lets see what I can remember from a few weeks back.....
I had a really bad session actually 2 weeks ago. I turned up really wanting to feel safe and share my painful week because everything about D got dragged back into my present and I was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that i wasnt gonna be ok all the time...and that the intial pain of losing D was just hovering above the surface and could return at any given moment. It was hard and I had a hard time coping, so when i went to the course I kinda wanted to share that things hadnt been so good. But i think i was pushing myself too hard in all reality...because i dont feel safe sharing with all these people and i felt incredibly fragile all night and very lonesome. No one really talked to me and I felt very isolated and didnt want to be there. Emma also called me incongruent....and the laughter i use when nervous was questioned once again and i was told that i was being incongruent. I took this very badly.
After reflecting on it for a couple of days though I do believe that I was being as honest as I could...and smiling is something I have not so much control over! But I also wrote something that kinda summed it up for me at that time....
My Prettier Option
i am discovering things about
my brown/blonde braids
and green/brown eyes
that is dislodging my existance
because i have found myself
speaking calmly
and smiling sweetly
when inside my skin
(hiding inside my ribcage)
blood is flowing faster than it ought
i have always been someone
who paints herself in bright colours
and draws kinks inside her hair
this is how i thought
I ought to appear
(in pink ribbons
and candy covered lips)
but i admit to crying daily
over tiny realities of unimportance
and i admit to walking daily
into conversations of slight discomfort
(but only with a huge egyptian smile)
believing strong girls
come out on top
but in truth
i am hiding
without the conciousness
of hiding
because when i'm sad
im biting my lip
and giggling like a child
shifting uncomfortably
and unable to make eye contact
so maybe things arent always better in the morning
maybe my glass is really half empty
(and half full of salted tears
-instead of wine)
maybe i don't mean to laugh
-instead of crying-
and maybe i am weaker
(than i'll have you believe)
-i'd like to tell you this-
but there arent words to describe
pain that cant heal
because some pains
drill themselves too forcefully into your lungs
(and stop you breathing)
but you can call it incongruence
if you wish
just know
that when you ask how i'm feeling all i can do
-is flick back my hair
bite my lip
and smile-
because there is no way to tell you
part of me has died
so i'd rather give you
the prettier option
Anyway...so when i turned up the next Wednesday I was feeling very detached, very unsafe and I really didnt wanna be there! However overall it was a good session and I spoke with Kim and realised that I wasnt the only one who felt the way I did about the rest of the group, and sometimes he also detached, especially after the conference, which is where my enjoyment of the course seems to have changed since. She also pointed out that maybe I had taken what Emma said to me I'm an incongruent person, which I think I did, and that wasnt really what she meant. This helped me re evaluate what had been said and it also seems to have since made me realise that some of my negative thought patterns are always gonna be lurking about somewhere.
I also seem to just be realising, especially from my isolated feel in the group, that these are similar feelins have had at school and with other friends....and maybe this is something to do with me and not them and the way I am viewing certain group type situations. I have no idea at this time exactly what it is that makes me feel so isolated from others, why i feel this way, and how it may be a distorted view...just that there is a possibilty this is a distorted view that has come from past experience.
I think this April Saturday sessions has been a real break through generally for me in terms of my lack of respect for person centred counselling. After I watched the video of CBT i realised what counselling would be like without the core conditions of empathy and genuineness and i didnt like what i saw at all. It made me realise how person centred i am really and naturally so....although it also helped me link the cognitive model of thinking to how i operate and it helped me relate to the course and myself so much better. Until now I never really saw how anything we learnt related to me really...whereas now i feel more open to integrating my two dominant approached - person centred and cognitive. The approached which i follow unconciously.
Finally, in regard to my constant smiling, i got some feedback from several people about how i am really relaxing to be around and that it is very much an important part of me that i am the way i am. So i left feeling like i gained much insight into myself as well as counselling skills. I also feel more confident as I gained positive feedback from Joy about my skills and I genunielly felt like i did well. So on that note I will leave it with my new poem....
some people might say i have a sunny disposition
because i can't utter sentences
without smiling uncontrollably
some people might say i'm intense
because when i cry
the skies open and clouds crash
and when i laugh
i could illuminate a thousand rooms
some people might say i'm child-like
because i am dependent on hugs to comfort me
and my face lights up
when you show me a new toy
although some people might just call me dependent
because i shake at the thought of being alone
and need too much reassurance
some people might call me a good listener
because it is my nature to understand
other people's suffering
but some people might call me stubborn
because i will become defensive
when you challange my views
but me -
i prefer to call me Debbie
because she is all these things
rolled up into a bundle
offset with endless braids
hazel eyes
and 22 years experience
of being herself
and some people might say
this makes them smile back
Saturday 20th March
aaaah so much. So many things floating about in my little head. I will try to remember Wednesday night first though. I came away feeling incredibly down...everyone talking about how "safe" they felt in the group and I just didn't feel that way at all. It made me wanna close up more. Skills practise was really really poor on my part and I don't think i did very well at all. Got good feedback and Emma pointed out how i could have focused more on pam's feelinsgs of anger and hurt. I wish i was good at this.
I really dunno how to gain self confidence...i would love to be confident but i just cant seem to get there. The PD group was pretty quiet and no one talked about much. I got upset when Kt called and i couldnt answer it...no one seemed to care though. Maybe i hid it well.
I feel very far behind on this so called journey that i dont think i have even begun walking on....which annoys me cos part of me would like to.....but i just dont know how. I don't seem to conect with these people. Like Becky texted emma when she was off the other week...no one cared that i wasnt there. That really hurt. Sarah txted me but only cos i texted her first...and she is the only one interested in me (except maybe amanda) It hurts and it makes me closed. I am learning nothing about myself.
Maybe its more than this though...maybe it stems from being a bad time in my life. Dad sent me a newspaper article about D and its really sent me back about a million days. I miss him so much. I cant bear this at all. Its like dealing with it all again. How can accept that this boy has really gone? my boy. my only boy. oh god i have no idea how u cope with this pain at all...even though i try to pretend i do.
i miss you d :(
Sunday 14th March Day
I felt much calmer today, even looking forward to arriving! Now the object exercise was well and truely over i was much better at relaxing. I realised at this point that this weekend must have had some effect on me...even if i wasnt really learning anything new like everyone else..I also thought once i arrived that everyone seemed to feel more bonded and like they had got to know everyone better....but a huge part of me realised that aprt from my poetry, no one had learnt much new about me. I felt very detached in that sense...but still like i was part of thre group....but maybe not a very valued member. However today helped me realise the reason why this might be.
The exercise of identifying with another character threw me and i found it veery difficult and challanging, and i still wish i could have thought up something clever and intelligent so that i could have benefited from it. The one thing that did have a huge impact was Emma. Her gift to me was self confidence, something i always was aware that i lacked...but this was kinda like a jigsaw piece falling into place that made everything make more sense. Why i never talk up, why no one really knows me, and why i don;t feel on a level with everyone else. My lack of self confidence has kept me from really showing much at all about me. This was my biggest learning experince of the weekend.
When talking to Kim later on about what she had learned from me was also significant. I always found myself quite distant from kim...however i realised how much i respected her honesty and inerr confidence to verbalise her feelings out loud. Although what she told me wasnt quite as inspiring, she did let me know that she though i was honest and it showed and that its just my lack of confidenc in th way, however that fact i had noticed that i am dismissive and laugh off things so that i dont have to deal with them and expressed this to a group of people took alot of courage and wasnt as negative as i thought. She also told me that there was nothing negative about being child-like and that my confidence will come in time. Also, and most importantly, that it is ok if the only way iexpress myself id through poetry...and everyone has their individual ways.
I left feeling much more positive and like yes..i have got something out of the weekend. Still probably have a lot of things that havent sunk in...and prbably didnt get as much out of it as others as no one at all really told me much about them..and i only got feedback about me on the final day. I think this is something that i should continue to be aware of through out the next few weeks.
Joy also told me i should publish my poetry....this made me beam inside because just maybe...i am good at something :)
Saturday 13th March Day 2
I awoke to a huge sense of dread and butterflies and i really didn't know why..altho there was a hint in my mind it was linked the the fact i knew today was gonna be tough and bring up all the things i'd most dreaded. As soon as i heard i had to bring a precious object...nothing had seemed more impossible.
I arrived and the nerves still disn't shift. I found every excercise a struggle because i knew what was coming but i tried to cope as best i could. Things were tough from the start when they told me to draw a life map. I didn;t find the drawing to tough cos i know how mine has gone in the short years ive lived and it didnt take me long really. I put damian on it cos i thought it mite be good to ease him into conversation gently. I was again dismissive (yet still honest i hope) when talking about my map with Amanda, although she was the same, which made it easier to stay closed. I feel much more could have been gained from this excerise had i not been nervous/been talking to someone else....but as it happened....this was what i was most comfortable with at the time.
Discribing my identity and words to describe myself has never been to hard for me although i must say i did find it hard to come up with words when having to face to face. Not too bad tho and some words i came up with were child - like, strong, defensive, confused, happy, dependent etc....When faced with these words everyone seemed to know it was me so i guess there isnt any dissonace there! I felt very isolated in the group when discussing this as everyone had such strong opinions on everyone ekse but no one seemed to think much about me at all. This lead to my feelings of discomfort that continued throughout the wkend. I don jot feel like recived any benficial feedback from this excerise which annoyed me cos i really would have appreciated some views.
Anyway, after lunch my nerves were through the roof and nothing had calmed them down. The object excerise came. It did encourage me how many people talked about the death of a loved one..but by this point i was so worked up i felt physically sick and never have i ever felt like that over having to speak about anything ever. In the end i just exploded into tears...mumbled some intelligable words...and threw my poem on the table. I am glad i did this because it was important for me to have these people understand that i am not a speaker...i am a writer and they will never know me really unless they see my writing and understand that that is my way of being me. Most of the group read it and i recieved reactions ranging from tears to polite nods. This was enough for me...and made me feel more comfortable...although i still felt quite dismissed in my grief as no one at all brought it up at any point afterwards...maybe because they felt it was in appropriate. I'm not sure. Throughtout the huge silence i longed to be anywhere in that room and even though everyone seemed to think it was a very joined moment....i felt incredibly removed. This again made me think that something inside me isn;t quite right but nothing really concrete enough to explain.
I soon snapped out of my sadness and behaved as if all was fun and normal....but realised once in jillys that i had a lot of frustrtation inside me which i released through dancing. I then wwent to bed worn out and mentally exhausted....
learjings from the day: My feelings are unpredicatable and i am very good at burying pian like andy is. I still did nit feel as safe as everyone else seemed to.
Ok gonna have to do this thing in 3 parts.....
Friday 12th march Day 1 of Conference
Proir to Friday I didn't have many thoughts as to what the conference was going to be like, but as the hour got closer I started to get fairly anxious as to what i was gonna have to do and say. On arrival it wasn;t too bad...i think id escibed my feelings as intrigue and I was also quite anxious but kept that to myself. Th initial exercise was quite straightforward as it was about Support Systems and this is something that I knew alot about from my own life. I was surprised at Phils (and therefore other people's) lack of areas of support but as for my own i discovered it was actually pretty complete and realised that i also rely heavily on myself for alot of support. The 1st learning experience that occured was probably from talkign to Phil and my discovery of my dismissiveness and laughing approach to any uncomfortable areas. My dependence on always explaing how i was actually happy and my doubts as to whether this was actually true. In some ways yes, i do belive i am very lucky and happy....but it was the 1st thing that started to strike a nerve somewhere inside me.
The exercise of truth/lie made me discover how transparent i must be as everyone instantly knew which was the lie. I am still unsure of how this made me feel. I think kinda happy that i can;t have hidden myself too much from these people.
I think the first and only really thing i found challanging of Friday was having to draw my feelings on a piece of paper. My intial reaction was just to draw me being tired...but i ended up adding parts such as my willingness to open up abit more, the anxiety this was actually going to cause, and also the calmness that i was wanting to use probably as a tool to brush over my vulnerabilty. But i'm not quite sure.
I can;t really think of anything that was particularly difficult as such abou the day but on the bus ride home i did feel like someone was scracthing at my insides and it was pretty uncomfortable....i dunno what it was but maybe it made me realise there might be some issues in my unconcious that i ahve no clue about because i like to live in a happy positive world that i am ok in.
tough stuff tihis self awareness business.....
Breathing Out Stars
there is a girl who is dipping coins
into an empty well
because she has run out of wishes
and the night is too cloudy for stars
she says that sometimes
she would like to untangle her emotions
and place them on her dresser
so she could wear yellow when she saw sunshine
and purple when her head was feeling a little crazy
because you know I gave you my heart
(and you didn’t blink an eye)
and I’m sure in another 30 days
she will thank you for this
while she stumbles home
and you know
when her eyes are blurring
it's safer to live with her toes buried in the sand
(coated in vodka-drenched kisses
that taste bittersweet)
instead of wishing that somewhere on the horizon
she could tattoo some more life
onto the small of her back
(and breathe out a few more lucky stars)
so that tomorrow she might feel
s o m e t h i n g
I’ve Cracked Your Bitter Heart Like Candy
when the leaves brush past the window
with days worth of blowing making them tired
there's 22 years of child
wishing she could blow away with them
and it's making her queasy
that she has spent over 730 days
(of wind blowing madness)
in your company
-and only now-
when she is lifting her halo
and shredding her wings
do you notice that she is shining
with too much intensity
-to be perfect-
yet holds enough courage
to fly away
with broken wings
but baby
i think she's cracked
your bitter heart like candy
and maybe if we walk a while
-hand in hand-
while the sun shines down on my Egyptian skin
you might be able to rediscover
-why I’m beautiful-
but baby
I’ve spent too many hours laying on your rising chest
praying you would wrap me up in what I need
(with my eyes closed too tightly)
and this girl is hoping
(before this doubt soaks out her sanity)
that she can allow herself to open them
(because she's scared of the pretty colours
that hide under her eyelids)
and she is in great need
-of black and white-
I figure i write easier online...and seeing as i'm supposed to have some sorta journal for my course this might have to do.
So..what have i learnt after 11 sessions of my course? Ok..well i have found that i really do know my own mind and that i'm more stable than i realised...but i dont think thats the point of the course right? Well ok...2 weeks ago i made a breakthough chatting to phil...i admited out loud that maybe im not as congruent as I could be and that how i see myself is very different to how others see me and one major chnage i guess has been is that i have tried to make the good parts of the person on the inside come out more, and i have also tired to show myself that the things i think are bad on the outside is just false perception. thats good right? I guess now i also find it easier to open up slightly...although only about things that i already know the abnswer too. However, i dunoo if there is much about me that i don;t know some sorta answer too. Maybe I have started thinking about myself more. yes i am sure I have. Maybe my problem is im expecting to unravel all this negative stuff and because the changes in me are positive i can't see them as being linked to the course. I am more open to have discussions about my beliefs and values...and certainly more aware of them...than I was befire this course started and this is something I have always wanted very much. I use Tristan as my sounding board...which has definately been of some significance..but i guess i am starting to feel like I;m growing as a person. The thing is I have no idea how this has come from the course. I never really speak out that much...never open myself up for analysis...in the PD group i even find myself tuning out alot because the content bores me or seems irrelevant. In the first few weeks i did notice some things about me in that situation...for example how i do have many ideas but find it hard to express them..maybe on a deeper level how i have alot of deep belives about myself and my life and who i am that i feel is just too siilly to speak up about. I often sat there witha d esire to bring in my writing and show people this side of me which in all essence I am incredibly proud of. But the stage to do that just hasnt seemed appropriate and I don't know if i ever would.
i think i am still consumed by bringing up damian...but i don;t want to. I know why that is..because i will be very dismissive of my feelings of it. I know that this is the one place i don;t have to be but heh-another discovery-i am very dismissive of feelings that hurt me and i laugh them off as nothing. But then..i know that i am capable of dealing with things alone and I am content in the thought that i will get through this alone also.
I will admit to feeling uch anxiety about this conference....esp. the precious object thing. Of course...due to the recentness of his death my necklace is all i can think of. But do i rerally want to admit that and speak with these people who all have had very different, less priveledged lives to me, about this? I feel so young in the group and incredibly lacking in enough life experience to analyse much. I think what i mite need to do is work with what i can...but i can;t hhelp feeling this course would be more beneficial to me 10 years down the line :/
anyway....think that is all i can think of at this time. Definately easier to reflect using a keyboard.
Hmmmm.....life right now is just one crazy crazy whirlpool. Finished uni a week ago today. Had the greatest weekend at Donnington festival which we got into for free cos we were stewarding. Which basically meant giving wristbands to like a million people for 12 hours in the boiling hot sun! But was soooo worth it and sun is always nicer than rain. I now have the darkest tan in the world which loadsa people are jealous of but i hate it! grrr. Im dark enough anyway thanks! : / But anyway...it was so worth it cos had a cool weekend and watched a ton of cool bands. Metallica played as a surprise in the punk tent too which was really fantastic even though im not a huge fan the atmostphere was electric!!
However, back home and it was the start of a working life for me. In at bloody 8/9 in the morning is not what im used to. Its so scary being thrown straight into the real world of work. I miss being a student. Im so stressed out already! But i guess the first mth of new job is always gonna be tough. I mean its easy enough...just admin stuff....but the people i work with are so much older than me and its kinda intimidating. Sure i'll survive but in the mean time im knackered and stressed and taking it out on poor andy who has other things on his mind :( It sux. Really need to chill out more. I just wish i wasnt left in the office on my own so much. its so scary and i feel kinda useless not knowing my way round yet. ahhh well. One can only learn.....
Listening to onelinedrawing. they r so the most beautiful band. Jonah's voice is just so strong and full of so much emotion. It always makes me smile :) Which is what i need right now. I just realised im sure it will all be much better as soon as the first pay cheque comes in.....Will make missing out on nights out with my mates and trips to theme parks worth it.....(loads of my mates went to Alton towers - like the best theme park ever that i have never been to! today and im just really jealous and bitter. can u tell?)
hehehehe. anyway. Im gonna go now before i moan anymore.
Nite nite
xxxxxxxxxx Debs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ooohhhh.....i figured out how to do pretty colours :)
There's something about an empty house that drives me fucking crazy. I guess i'm not one meant to be alone. But then who is? sometimes i really wish i could appreciate my own company. I always seem to wanna be around people though. Maybe its just part of my many insecurites. who knows?
Anyway. I thought i'd add another entry as Im waiting for andy to come over so I can bug him to start looking at houses. God its so strange. We've only been back together 5 months and we are gonna live together. Somebody is heading for such a disaster i think!!! I dunno...living with him might be cool. I mean it will be. But it's a huge step and the scarest thing of my life. Arghhh. I dont wanna think about it. Should be studying but for some reason the internet seems a little more fun.
I've also realised why they put Big Brother on tv at exam time. God damn that programme is so addictive. Can't stop watching it and i dont even particualrly like any of the people in it! People think im crazy cos i would love to go and do summat like that. Its more of the extrovert part of me i guess. Everyone says i must be crazy wanting to be filmed 24-7. I dunno why im so appealed by the idea. It would probably be fucking awful! I guess we all wanna be famous......and 70 grand doesnt sound too bad either if you win!!! I should really stop living in fanatasies though. It always gets me into trouble! : /
anyway...maybe i will write more later when im in a slightly better mood.
debs xxx
Not sure I've quite got the hang of this blog thing yet. Just managed to wipe my whole post. Which was very clever and i guess very typical of me. Guess i saved whoever can be bothered to read this from one days pointless ramblings. heh.
Anyway....so how do i introduce myself? Im 21 years old. I'm a month away from graduating university. I have a boyfriend. I have friends. I even have a job to go to when i finish. But I'm never satisfied. I just can't get to grips with the fact that my life isnt the fairy tale i dreamed it would be. Pretty sad really....I guess one day I'll open my eyes. But right now i dont think i want to. I'm in love with a boy who still loves someone else and i have no doubt will leave me once my constant moods get too much to handle. Its not like i dont know that im spoilt and selfish and always want things my way. I just don't know how else to be. In the same way andy (my boyfriend, for those who don't know) doesn't know how to be anything but the life-avoiding, problem hiding scared boy that he is. Its scary how similar we are really. i dunno...maybe thats why we keep holding on to what is obviously the strangest relationship in history. We are both in love with the dream. With the fairy tale ending. We both wanna be the one in the movies who gets the guy (...or girl). I dont blame him for never letting go of his ex. I wouldnt wanna let go of the fairy tale as much as he doesnt (which is why im holding on so goddamn tightly to him). They were gonna get married. Its funny how the girl never runs away forever in the movies though......she always comes back. I guess he is just still waiting.....
I dunno. No one wants to know this shit. Im rambling.
My life is not a bad one. And my thoughts arent really worth reading. I guess i just want somewhere to put down all those crazy feeling i get that you just cant quite say to peoples faces. A place to write my thoughts without fear of laughter and critisim from others. A place for my pathetic poetry that i write constantly that has never and will never ever help me to understand how i am in the situation im in right now.
why im so close to having everything i ever wanted and my heart is screaming to me that life is never that simple
why whenever im this close to happiness it all self destructs....
I dunno. Its all bullshit anyway.
Designed to self destruct
I think it might be time
to break the news
this world
that we have been trying to live
in
so
many
d r a w n o u t
unimaginable
w
a
y
s
is one short ballerina step away
from crumbling
in an impossible-to-bare
cant-hold-on-any-longer
kinda fashion
I don't understand
why tears have to fall
with such
useless
abandon
(if I knew I’d stop them
-I swear)
I just put it down to
being designed
to self destruct
when approaching
ultimate happiness
don’t know why
I looked at your things
and found out secrets
I was never supposed to
comprehend
but I did
I’ve always been a believer
in the beautiful
most amazingly
incomprehensible
f o r c e
that brought us back together
just as I now believe
in the destructible,
unthinkable
rip-it-all-apart
d i s e a s e
that tore us apart
so maybe when I’m lying in your arms
and you tell me
that you never wanna
let go
of my seductive curves
and sparkling brown eyes
(as you sing the words to
'brown eyed girl'
that always makes me cringe
as every boy
has chosen the same song
to sing to me
-although I’ve never told you
before)
I may just believe you this time
and that scares me
because as much as I believe in our fate
and the love that we should be producing
I just don’t think its there
like it was in my fairytale dream
(that dictates to me what my life
should look like
feel like
smell like)
and I don’t know what to do
these days
now I’m chasing these waves
to still hold you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Debs xxx
